HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 7

A collection of PICTURES AND VIDEOS that friends have sent me.
Updated `10 Jun. 25

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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THIS BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: SENSITIVE
  • 2: HEALTH WEEK
  • 3: TRIVIA
  • 4: 9 WORDS?
  • 4 A: REPRISAL?
  • 5: KAMEL
  • 6: SKEETER
  • 7: OIL LEAK
  • 8: JUST DUCKY
  • 9: ILL REPUTE
  • 10: LOOKING GOOD
  • 11: OLDIES
  • 12: WHY
  • 13: EARRINGS

  • 1:
    * THE SENSITIVE MAN *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    A woman meets a man in a bar.
    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
    They get back to his place, as he shows her around his apartment.
    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is covered with; soft, sweet, cuddly, teddy bears.
    There are three shelves with hundreds of; cute, cuddly, teddy bears carefully placed on the shelves.
    It was obvious that he had taken time to, lovingly, arrange them.
    She was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
    There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and, huge, enormous, bears running along the top shelf.
    She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She was quite impressed by his sensitive side, but didn't mention this to him.
    They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
    Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
    She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
    He responds warmly.
    They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
    She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
    After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow.
    The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
    The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

    END

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  • 2:
    * NATIONAL MENTAL HEALTH CARE WEEK *

    Courtesy of: Ed M.

    You can do your part by remembering to
    CONTACT AT LEAST ONE UNSTABLE PERSON
    to show you care.
    Well .. .. .
    A nurse, wavingr
    I DID MY PART

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 3:
    * PUB TRIVIA *

    Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada

    So, I lost the pub trivia contest last night by 1 point.
    The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?"
    .......apparently the correct answer is Fiji

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * *

  • 4:
    * 9 WORDS THAT WOMEN USE AND MEN NEED TO UNDERSTAND*

    Courtesy of: Ling K. - Malaysia

    (1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

  • (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
  • (3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  • (4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
  • (5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  • (6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  • (7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
  • (8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
  • (9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 4 A:
    * MENS' REPRISAL TO THE ABOVE (4) *

    Courtesy of: Bev C.

    THE ABOVE, (4) MAY BE THE RULES THAT US MEN HAVE TO FOLLOW,
    WELL HERE ARE THE RULES THAT WOMEN SHOULD FOLLOW.
    RULES LEAD TO A HAPPY, HEALTHIER, SAFER LIFE, FOR ALL
    CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD A PPS FILE

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 5:
    * KAMEL TOW *

    Courtesy of: Barry W. - Mynamar

    A close up of a kamel toe.
    SILLY ME! I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE ANSWER TO JOKE #3
    CLICK HERE TO VIEW A WMV FILE

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 6:
    * A MOSQUITOE'S OVATION *

    Courtesy of: Ben N.-S.

    A baby mosquito came back after flying for the first time.
    His dad asked him "How do you feel?"
    He replied "It was wonderful, everyone was clapping for me!

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 7:
    * TALKING ABOUT OIL LEAKS *

    Courtesy of: A bee keeper

    For those of you who do not know - BP - British Petroleums, is one of the world’s largest producers of gasoline.
    Sorry, back to the joke.

    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
    At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
    The bee asked, 'What seems to be the problem?'
    'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
    The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
    Minutes later, the man watched, in stupefaction, as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank.
    After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
    'Try it now,' said one bee.
    The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
    'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
    The bee answered….
    A bee.
    Wait for it.
    wait for it.
    BP Logo.
    A bee on his side laughing.
    A bee peeing.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 8:
    * A DUCK STORY *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    When I was young we lived in a house on the beach of a lake.
    One night, during a; thunder, lightning, and rain, storm, a mother Mallard went berserk and started stomping her babies.
    Friends of my parents’, who owned the BCNU Cabins, further North along the shore, managed to save the last two ducklings.
    We kept them in one side of our kitchen sink, which we filled with water.
    My mother says they were too frightened to eat and within a few days, died.
    Barry sent me this story and, though it is not humourous, I just needed to put in here rather than forward it to everyone.
    I make it up to you by putting an, extra, funny one, on this page. (SEE: 4 A)

    A TRUE DUCK STORY FROM SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS USA
    A momma Mallard in nest.
    Something really cute happened in downtown San Antonio this week. Michael R. is an accounting clerk at Frost Bank and works there in a second story office. Several weeks ago, he watched a mother duck choose the concrete awning outside his window as the unlikely place to build a nest above the sidewalk. The mallard laid ten eggs in a nest in the corner of the planter that is perched over 10 feet in the air. She dutifully kept the eggs warm for weeks, and Monday afternoon all of her ten ducklings hatched.
    Ducklings in nest.
    Michael worried all night how the momma duck was going to get those babies safely off their perch in a busy, downtown, urban environment to take to water, which typically happens in the first 48 hours of a duck hatching. Tuesday morning, Michael watched the mother duck encourage her babies to the edge of the perch with the intent to show them how to jump off. Office work came to a standstill as everyone gathered to watch.
    People looking out a window.
    The mother flew down below and started quacking to her babies above. In disbelief Michael watched as the first fuzzy newborn trustingly toddled to the edge and astonishingly leapt into thin air, crashing onto the cement below. Michael couldn't stand to watch this risky effort nine more times! He dashed out of his office and ran down the stairs to the sidewalk where the first obedient duckling, near its mother, was resting in a stupor after the near-fatal fall. Michael stood out of sight under the awning-planter, ready to help.
    A momma Mallard and a duckling on a sidewalk.
    As the second one took the plunge, Michael jumped forward and caught it with his bare hands before it hit the concrete. Safe and sound, he set it down it by its momma and the other stunned sibling, still recovering from that painful leap. (The momma must have sensed that Michael was trying to help her babies.)
    A momma Mallard and a duckling on a sidewalk.
    One by one the babies continued to jump. Each time Michael hid under the awning just to reach out in the nick of time as the duckling made its free fall. At the scene the busy downtown sidewalk traffic came to a standstill. Time after time, Michael was able to catch the remaining eight and set them by their approving mother.
    A momma Mallard and several ducklings on a sidewalk.
    At this point Michael realized the duck family had only made part of its dangerous journey. They had two full blocks to walk across traffic, crosswalks, curbs and past pedestrians to get to the closest open water, the San Antonio River , site of the famed "River Walk." The on looking office secretaries and several San Antonio police officers joined in. An empty copy-paper box was brought to collect the babies. They carefully corralled them, with the mother's approval, and loaded them in the container. Michael held the box low enough for the mom to see her brood. He then slowly navigated through the downtown streets toward the San Antonio River The mother waddled behind and kept her babies in sight, all the way.
    A momma Mallard on a sidewalk folowing a man with a box.
    As they reached the river, the mother took over and passed him, jumping in the river and quacking loudly. At the water's edge, Michael tipped the box and helped shepherd the babies toward the water and to the waiting mother after their adventurous ride.
    Aupended box and ducklins on a sidewalk.
    All ten darling ducklings safely made it into the water and paddled up snugly to momma. Michael said the mom swam in circles, looking back toward the beaming bank bookkeeper, and proudly quacking.
    A momma Mallard and ducklings in water.
    At last, all present and accounted for: "We're all together again. We're here! We're here!"
    A momma Mallard and ducklings in water, facing away from camera.
    And here's a family portrait before they head outward to further adventures
    A momma Mallard and ducklings in water, facing camera, mother quacking.
    Like all of us in the big times of our life, they never could have made it alone without lots of helping hands. I think it gives the name of San Antonio 's famous "River Walk" a whole new meaning!

    END

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  • 9:
    * HOUSE OF ILL REPUTE *

    Courtesy of: Greg R. - Enderby, B. C. Canada

    AKA: Bawdy House, Brothel, Den of Iniquity, Whore House.
    When I was going to College, in the early nineties, I lived in the first, and only, licensed whore house in the colony of British Columbia.
    One of the first brick buildings in Gastown, built after the big fire, the, originally, Anchor Hotel, has been many things throughout its life, including a speakeasy, during prohibition.
    Back to the joke.

    A naked lady standing against a wall.
    circa 1912
    A menu on aged paper.
    1912 BROTHEL MENU

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 10:
    * THE COST OF LOOKING GOOD *

    Courtesy of: Elmer H. - Enderby, B. C. Canada

    Make Up $: 40 Hair Style $: 40
    Body Wax $: 110 Custom Tattoo $: 150 Designer Outfit $: 225
    Lip Enhancement $: 400 Breast Implants $: 6,000
    Tranny sitting with crossed legsr
    FORGETTING TO TUCK IN YOUR NUTS $: PRICELESS

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 11:
    * OLDIES QUIZ *

    Courtesy of: Melody H.

  • 1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up?
    (a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock
    (b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock
    (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock

  • 2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie?
    (a) Rebel Without A Cause
    (b) Blackboard Jungle
    (c) The Wild Ones

  • 3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____
    (a) Angel
    (b) Mother
    (c) Worm

  • 4. ''I found my thrill . . .'' where?
    (a) Kansas City
    (b) Heartbreak Hotel
    (c) Blueberry Hill

  • 5. ''Please turn on your magic beam,__________ bring me a dream,'':
    (a) Mr. Sandman
    (b) Earth Angel
    (c) Dream Lover

  • 6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record?
    (a) Atlantic
    (b) RCA
    (c) Sun

  • 7.. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he?
    (a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown
    (b) Charlie Brown
    (c) Buster Brown

  • 8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named:
    (a) MacHeath
    (b) MacCloud
    (c) MacNamara

  • 9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.''
    (a) Good Golly, Miss Molly
    (b) Be-Bop-A-Lula
    (c) Tutti Fruitti

  • 10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''?
    (a) Dick Clark
    (b) Wolfman Jack
    (c) Alan Freed

  • 11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher:
    (a) Little Richard
    (b) Frankie Lymon
    (c) Tony Orlando

  • 12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star?
    (a) Brenda Lee
    (b) Connie Francis
    (c) Annette Funicello

  • 13. The Everly Brothers are . . ...
    (a) Pete and Dick
    (b) Don and Phil
    (c) Bob and Bill

  • 14. The Big Bopper's real name was:
    (a) Jiles P. Richardson
    (b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr.
    (c) Marion Michael Morrison

  • 15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called...
    (a) Decca
    (b) Cameo
    (c) Motown

  • 16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb''.. What TV show was he on?
    (a) 77 Sunset Strip
    (b) Hawaiian Eye
    (c) Surfside Six

  • 17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married:
    (a) Carol Lynley
    (b) Sandra Dee
    (c) Natalie Wood

  • 18. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'':
    (a) The Penguins
    (b) The Monotones
    (c) The Moonglows

  • 19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.''
    (a) Loved
    (b) Kissed
    (c) Met

  • 20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh,___________, why can't you be true?''
    (a) Suzie Q b) Peggy Sue
    (c) Maybelline

  • 21. ''Wooly_______''
    (a) Mammouth
    ( b) Bully c) Pully

  • 22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat . . . ."
    (a) can't go into town no more
    (b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor
    (c) peepin' in a seafood store

  • 23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do . . . . ..''
    (a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze
    (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues
    (c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise

  • 24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is . .. . . . .''
    (a) Mr. Earl
    (b) Jackie Pearl
    (c) Milton Berle

  • 25. ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's ....''
    (a) girl
    (b) butt
    (c) love

  • 26. ''I want you to play with my . . . ''
    (a) heart
    (b) dreams
    (c) ding a ling

  • 27. ''Be Bop A Lula ....''
    (a) she's got the rabies
    (b) she's my baby.
    (c) she loves me, maybe

  • 28. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing ...''
    (a) right here
    (b) fifty cents
    (c) just for you

  • 29. ''He wore black denim trousers and . . .''
    (a) a pink carnation
    (b) pink leotards
    (c) motorcycle boots

  • 30. ''I got a gal named . . .''
    ( a) Jenny Zamboni
    (b) Gerri Mahoney
    (c) Boney Maroney

    Answers:
    1 (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock 2. (b) Blackboard Jungle 3. (a) Angel 4. (c) Blueberry Hill 5. (a) Mr. Sandman 6. (c) Sun 7. (b) Charlie Brown 8. (a) Mac Heath 9. (c) Tutti Fruitti 10..(c) Alan Freed 11. (a) Little Richard 12. (c) Ann ette Funicello 13. (b) Don and Phil 14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson 15. (c) Motown 16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip 17. (b) Sandra Dee 18. (b) The Monotones 19. (b) Kissed 20. (c) Maybelline 21. (b) Bully 22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store 23. (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues 24. (a) Mr. Earl 25. (b) butt 26. (c) ding a ling 27. (b) she's my baby 28. (a) right here 29. (c) motorcycle boots 30. (c) Boney Maroney

    END

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    * * * * * * *

  • 12:
    * WHY *

    Courtesy of: Ling K. Malaysia

    WHY:

    WHY CAN’T

  • women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

    WHY DIDN’T

  • Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

    WHY DO:

  • drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
  • people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
  • banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
  • we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
  • we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
  • they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
  • doctors call what they do 'practice'?
  • they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

    WHY DOES

  • the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

    WHY DON’T:

  • you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
  • sheep shrink when it rains?

    WHY IS:

  • 'abbreviated' such a long word?
  • lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  • the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

    WHY ISN’T

  • there mouse-flavored cat food?

    END

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  • 13:
    * EARRINGS *

    Courtesy of: Marjk.

    I don't want to brag or make anybody jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

    END

    Return To the Index

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