HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 5

A collection of GOOFY SHORTS that friends have sent me. Updated `10 Apr. 12

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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A BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: WILL
  • 2: COWPOKE
  • 3: CELL PHONES
  • 4: GLOBALIZATION
  • 5: HORSES
  • 6: HAND GUNS
  • 7: PENGUINS
  • 8: OFFICER STOPS YOU
  • 9: BOY BUYS A DOLL
  • 10: 10 RULES
  • 11: RANCHER
  • 12: DEFORESTATION
  • 13: WELL SUITED

    1: MY LIVING WILL - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
    Listen gang, I never want to live like a vegetable, dependent on a machine, taking fluids from a bottle.
    So If that ever happens, just pull the plug !
    They got up, unplugged the computer, and tossed out my wine.

    END

    Return To the Index

    2: TOUGH OL' COWPOKE - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    A tough old cowboy from south Texas counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
    The grandson did this, religiously, to the age of 103.
    He left behind; 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren,
    and a 15-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

    END

    Return To the Index

    3: NEW CELL PHONE LAW - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    New Law for Cell Phones 

    According to a new B.C. law that went into effect on January 1, 2010, you are no longer allowed to use a cell phone while driving unless you have a 'hands free' adapter.
    I went to Future Shop and they wanted $50 for a headset with a microphone for my cell phone.
    Having a friend in the cell phone business, I talked with him and was able to come up with an alternative.
    These kits are compatible with any mobile phone and one size fits all.
    I paid him $0.08 each because he bought in quantity.
    Then we tried it with; Motorola, Sprint, Verizon, and Nokia units and they worked perfectly.

    I have become a distributor for this product so please feel free to place your orders with me.
    No shipping charges on PU orders!!
    Thanks
    Sincerely
    Mark

    (Man with phone on ear)
    ONLY $0.55 @ PLUS POSTAGE

    END

    Return To the Index

    4: DEFINITION OF GLOBALIZATION - Courtesy of: Kinthinia

    An ENGLISH princess, with an EGYPTIAN escort, crashes in a FRENCH tunnel, while riding in a GERMAN car, with a DUTCH engine, driven by a BELGIAN who was drunk on SCOTTISH whisky.
    The car was followed closely by ITALIAN Paparazzi, on JAPANESE motorcycles.
    The princess was treated by an AMERICAN doctor, using BRAZILIAN medicines.

    This missive was sent to you by a CANADIAN, using AMERICAN (Bill Gates' technology. You are reading this on your computer, that uses TAIWANESE chips, and a KOREAN monitor, assembled by BANGLADESH workers in a SINGAPORE plant, transported by INDIAN truck drivers, hijacked by INDONESIANS, unloaded by SICILIAN longshoremen, and trucked to you by MEXICAN wetbacks.

    That, my friends, is Globalization!

    END

    Return To the Index

    5: CATHOLIC HORSES - Courtesy of: Luc T.

    One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest step onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

    (Man looking in empty wallet.)

    Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

    (Horses racing)

    Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the priest step onto the track.
    Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

    (Preist, horse, & jockey)

    Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.
    Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
    Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
    The priest again blessed a horse.

    (Preist blessing horse)

    Mitch bet big on it, and it won.
    Mitch was elated.
    As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
    Mitch was, now, pulling in some serious money.
    By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.
    He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

    (Horse and jockey)

    True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
    Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

    (Preist and old horse)

    Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
    He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last.
    Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
    Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened?
    All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile.
    Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!".

    (Man scratching head)
    PICTURE COURTESY OF WACKY WITS . COM

    The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."

    END

    Return To the Index

    6: CONTROL HAND GUNS - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    Here  is one for all you gun addicts.

    THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK TWICE
    THE NEXT TIME YOU CONTEMPLATE
    PURCHASING A GUN.

    THE FOLLOWING IS AN ACTUAL PHOTO
    OF PEOPLE BEING SHOT
    AT CLOSE RANGE.

     

    Seeing folks actually pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea. 

    Violence is a brutal event.

    Most of us tend to sit back in our living rooms,

    view the barrage of information that comes across from the media

    and become desensitized to the real gravity,

    and danger,

    of the world in which we live.

    (Naked girls, on a beach, shooting each other with water pistols)

    Just horrible, isn't it?

    END

    Return To the Index

    7: PENGUINS - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?  
    Wonder no more ! ! ! 
    It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. 
    The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. 
    If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. 
    The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:   
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow" 
    "Freeze a jolly good fellow." 
    Then they kick him in the ice hole.

    END

    Return To the Index

    8: WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER AFTER HE STOPS YOU - Courtesy of: Kirk R. Moose Jaw, Sask.

    (Police car with flashing lights)

    1. I can't reach  my license unless you hold my beer. 
    2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.   
    3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 
    4. Hey, you  must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!   
    5. Are you Andy or Barney? 
    6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.     
    7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?     
    8. I pay your salary! 
    9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!   
    10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 
    11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are. 
    12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed,  have  you been eating doughnuts?' 

    (flashing light bar from a police car)

    END

    Return To the Index

    9: A LITTLE BOY BUYS A DOLL - Courtesy of: Kinthinia Prince George, B. C.

    I was walking around in a store, when I saw a Cashier hand a little boy some money back.
    The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
    The Cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
    Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
    The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
    Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look around.
    The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
    Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
    “It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.” He replied.
    I told him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
    But he replied to me sadly, “No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.”
    His eyes were so sad while saying this. ”My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''
    My heart nearly stopped.
    The little boy looked up at me and said, “I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.”
    Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me, “I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me.”
    “I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.”
    Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
    I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy, “Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''
    “OK,” he said. “I hope I do have enough.”
    I added some of my money to his, with out him seeing, and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
    The little boy said, “Thank you God for giving me enough money!”
    Then he looked at me and added, '”I asked last night, before I went to sleep, for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!''
    “I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.''
    "My mommy loves white roses.”
    Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
    The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
    Was this the family of the little boy?
    After slipping another twenty into the little boys back pocket I continued my shopping.
    A few minutes later, while I was on an isle nearby, the old lady returned and I heard her ask the little boy, “How did we make out?”
    “We made $40, Gran. And we don't even have to take the doll to the return counter.”

    END

    Return To the Index

    10: 10 RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE - Courtesy of: Ed M. Mayanmar

    1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home.
    2. It's important to have a woman who cooks from time to time.
    3. It's important to have a woman who keeps the house clean.
    4. It's important to have a woman who has a job.
    5. It's important to have a woman who likes you.
    6. It's important to have a woman who can be your very best friend.
    7. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
    8. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn't lie to you.
    9. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed.
    10. It's very, very important that these nine women do not know each other.

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * * * *

    11: RANCHER - Courtesy of: Gary B. Pattaya Bay, Thailand

    A successful Saskatchewan rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
    She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
    Two cowboys applied for the job.
    One was gay and the other a drunk.
    She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
    He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
    For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
    Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great, you should go into Swift Current and kick up your heels.”
    The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
    One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
    Two o'clock and no hired hand.
    Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
    She quietly called him over to her.
    ”Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
    Trembling, he did as she directed.
    ”Now take off my boots.”
    He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
    ”Now take off my stockings.”
    He removed each, gently, and placed them, neatly, by her boots.
    ”Now take off my skirt.”
    He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
    ”Now take off my bra.”
    Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
    Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.”

    END

    Return To the Index

    12: ANOTHER PROBLEM CAUSED BY DEFORESTATION - Courtesy of: Kinthinia Prince George, B. C. Canada

    (Dogs linied up waiting to pee on a tree)

    END

    Return To the Index

    13: I FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING I'M SUITED FOR - Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada

  • 1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
  • 2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  • 3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
  • 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
  • 5. Then, I tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
  • 6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... I couldn't cut the mustard.
  • 7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
  • 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
  • 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried hard but I just didn't fit in.
  • 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.
  • 11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
  • 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
  • 13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
  • 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
  • 15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

    END

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