HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 2

A collection of GOOFY SHORTS that friends have sent me.
Updated `08 Oct. 31

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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A BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: ELECTING GOV'T OFFICIALS
  • 2: TEAR IN THE EYE
  • 3: ABE & RUTH
  • 4: WILDERNESS SAFETY
  • 5: AIRLINE LAUGHS
  • 6: CRUSTY
  • 7: CANUCKS
  • 8: FRIDAYS ARE HELL
  • 9: ZEN MASTA
  • 10: MAILMAN'S GOODBYE GIFT
  • 11: DUMB QUESTION
  • 12: COMPUTER SCHOOL
  • 13: BUGGA

  • 1: ELECTING GOV'T OFFICIALS

    Courtesy of: REDSKY

    While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official government politician around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the politician.
    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
    They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises ...
    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven"
    So, 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
    They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
    The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, but I_mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    Now the doors of the elevator open and the politician is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
    "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says..."Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

    END

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  • 2:
    * TEAR IN THE EYE *

    Courtesy of: Elmer A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

    Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.
    Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
    He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
    He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
    "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
    "They're mating," her father replied.
    "What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
    "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
    "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
    As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Long legs."
    The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."
    Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it.

    END

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  • 3:
    * ABE AND RUTH *

    A Florida couple, Abe and Ruth, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

    Abe says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but she is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that she agrees.

    When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse."

    She thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good-bye.

    The next week, however, the couple calls and ask the therapist to watch again.

    The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

    This happens several weeks in a row.

    The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

    Finally, after five or six weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

    Abe says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married, and we can't go to her house. I'm married, and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50 and Medicare pays $43 of the bill."

    END

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  • 4:
    * WILDERNESS SAFETY *

    Courtesy of: DODIE

    WARNING:
    Due to the rising frequency of human-bear encounters, the B.C. Fish and Wildlife Branch is advising hikers, hunters, fisherman, and any persons that use the outdoors in a recreational or work related funtion to take extra precautions while in the field.
    We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advance warning to any bears that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.
    We also give advise anyone using the out-of -doors "pepper spray" with him or her in case of an encounter with a bear.
    Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh bear activity, and be able to tell the difference between black bear shit and grizzly bear shit. Black bear shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear shit has bells in it and smells like pepper.

    END

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  • 5:
    * AIRLINE LAUGHS *

    Courtesy of: REDSKY

    Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
    After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hamm
    S: Gave midget a rubber hammer.

    END

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  • 6:
    * CRUSTY *

    Courtesy of: Redsky

    A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I want to open a damn checking account."
    The astonished woman replies," I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you.
    What did you say?"
    "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
    "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
    The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
    They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,
    "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
    "There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."
    "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

    END

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  • 7:
    * CANUCKS *

    Courtesy of: Dodie

    If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.
    If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Canada.
    If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada
    If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada
    If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend, you may live in Canada.
    If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada
    If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada
    If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada
    If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada
    If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada
    If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada
    If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada
    If the speed limit on the highway is 80km -- you're going 90 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada
    If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada
    If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada
    If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.
    If you find 2 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in Canada
    If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Canadian friends & others, you definitely live in Canada.

    END

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  • 8:
    * FRIDAYS ARE HELL *

    Courtesy of: "Elmer H.

    One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
    Satan: "Why so glum?"
    Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
    Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here.
    You a drinking man?"
    Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
    Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
    Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
    Satan: "You a smoker?"
    Guy: "You better believe it"
    Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
    Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
    Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
    Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
    Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
    Guy: "Cool!"
    Satan: "What about drugs?"
    Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
    Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.
    You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
    Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
    Satan: "You gay?"
    Guy: "No..."
    Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

    END

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  • 9:
    * ZEN MASTA *

    Courtesy of: REDSKY

    1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, forI may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
    2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leakytire.
    3. It is always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's' newspaper, that's the time to do it.
    4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
    5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
    6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
    7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
    8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
    9. If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you.
    10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish ,and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
    11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
    12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
    13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
    14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
    15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
    16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
    17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it binds the universe together.
    18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
    19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
    20. Experience is some thing you don't get until just after you need it.
    21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
    22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and laxative onthe same night.
    23. "When you argue with a fool... Be sure he isn't similarly engaged.

    END

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  • 10:
    * MAILMAN'S GOODBY GIFT *

    Courtesy of: REDSKY

    It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
    When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
    At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
    At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.
    When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
    As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
    "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
    "Well," she said giggling, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.
    He said, 'Ah Screw him. Give him a dollar.'
    The breakfast was my idea."

    END

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  • 11:
    * DUMB QUESTION *

    Courtesy of: Stewart T.

    Next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?
    Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
    (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
    I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

    END

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  • 12:
    * RANSOM DEMAND *

    Courtesy of: Herb D.

    I was stuck in a traffic jam on the 401 yesterday. Nothing was moving.. grrrr!
    Suddenly a man knocked on the window. I rolled down the window and asked, 'What's going on?
    Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Stephen Harper, Stephane Dion & Jack Layton They're asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.
    I asked, ÝHow much is everyone giving, on average?”
    ”Most people are giving about 4 litres'.”

    END

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  • 13:
    * OH, BUGGA *

    cow in mud
    TOYOTA

    Humorous TV Commercial.

    END

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