HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 13
THIS MAKES A BAKER'S DOZEN PAGES OF JOKES
AND CONCLUDES MY HUMOUR SECTION
I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL MY READERS
WHO HAVE SUBMITTED HUMOUROUS ARTICLES
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED READING THEM

A collection of PICTURES AND VIDEOS that friends have sent me.
Updated `11 july 8

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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THIS BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: DRINK
  • 2: SIZE
  • 3: NAZI
  • 4: WAR
  • 5: TWINS
  • 6: WELCOME
  • 7: ADVICE
  • 8: NEW BOOK
  • 9: NEWFIE
  • 10: REFLECTING
  • 11: ORGANIZED
  • 12: OLDER
  • 13: TRAINING
  • 14: BONUS
  • 15: BONUS 2

  • 1:
    * MY LAST DRINK *

    Courtesy of: Robin S. Burnaby, B. C. Canada

    I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, tattooed biker steps next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
    "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he demands, as I burst into tears.
    "Hey, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
    "This is the worst day of my life," I say.
    "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
    When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.
    I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
    At home I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
    "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
    I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
    then you show up and drink MY LAST DRINK!”

    “But enough about me, how's your day going?"

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 2:
    * BALL SIZE *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    AN INTERESTING OBSERVATION

  • 1:
    A basketball
    The sport of choice for the urban poor is -
    BASKETBALL
    Picture courtesy of
    Inspiration Falls!

  • 2.
    A bowling ball
    The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is -
    BOWLING
    Picture courtesy of Faqs . Org

  • 3.
    A football
    The sport of choice for front-line workers is -
    FOOTBALL
    Picture courtesy of Powerpoint Designs

  • 4.
    A baseball
    The sport of choice for supervisors is -
    BASEBALL
    Picture courtesy of Inspiration Falls!

  • 5.
    A tennis ball
    The sport of choice for middle management is-
    TENNIS
    Picture courtesy of Eightfold Studios

  • 6.
    A golf ball
    The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is -
    GOLF
    Picture courtesy of Golf Wallpapers

    THE CONCLUSION -
    A marbel
    There must be a ton of people in OTTAWA playing MARBLES
    Picture courtesy of Very Happy Pig

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 3:
    * BIKE LANE NAZI *

    Courtesy of: Steve F.

    A freeze frame from The Great Dictatior
    Picture courtesy of Reading Eagle

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 4:
    * NEWFOUNDLAND DECLARES WAR ON THE U.S.A. *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    (Map of Canada.)

    President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

    "Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said.
    "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
    I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

    "Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news!
    How big is your army?"

    "Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is meself, me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub.
    That makes eight!"

    Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

    "Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

    Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. "
    Mr. Obama, the war is still on!
    We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

    "And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

    "Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry 's farm tractor."

    President Obama sighed, "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers.
    Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

    "Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

    Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.
    "President Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne!
    We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

    Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat.
    "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes.
    My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.
    And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

    "Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

    Sure enough, Archie called again the next day.
    "President Obama! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

    "I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack.
    "Why the sudden change of heart?"

    Well, sir," said Archie, "we've sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a few pints, and
    We’ve come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

    (A beaver holding a flag of Canda.)

    CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CAN NOT BE SHAKEN

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 5:
    * SWEDISH TWINS *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

    After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Sweden.'

    The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, I am!'

    The first guy says, 'So am I! And where from Sweden are you?

    The other guy answers, 'I'm from Stockholm.'

    The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

    "And what street did you live on in Stockholm?" The other guy says, "I lived on Swenson Street in the old central part of town.'

    The first guy says, it's a small world. So did I! So did I!
    And what school did ya go to'?

    The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to Lar's Erikenson High School"

    The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

    The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1997.'

    The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from Lars Erikenson High school in 1997 too!'

    About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

    Swen the bartender walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,
    'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

    Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Swen?

    'The Sedin twins are pissed again.'

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 6:
    * WELCOME TO MARRIED LIFE

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    (A picture and story in jpg.)

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 7:
    * DOCTOR'S ADVICE *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    A doctor

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

    It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    And suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.
    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than Aussies.

    CONCLUSION:

    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 8:
    * NEW BOOK ON `HOW TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN *

    Courtesy of: Redsky. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    A really big book

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 9:
    * NEWFIE BEDROOM TROUBLES *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    George is passing by Bob's shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Bob doing a slow, and sensual, striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.
    Buttocks clenched Bob performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off; first the right welly boot, followed by the left.
    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.
    Grabbing both sides of his checkered shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap onto a pile of hay.
    "What on earth are you doing Bob?", asks George.
    "Lord tunderin' jeezuss, ye frightened the livin shit out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Bob,
    "Me and the Missus been having some trouble lately, in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 10:
    * REFLECTING ON A TRULY `CANADIAN’ WINTER *

    Courtesy of: Redsky. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    It's winter in Canada !
    And the gentle breezes blow
    Seventy miles an hour
    At thirty-five below.

    Oh, how I love Canada When the snow's up to your butt
    You take a breath of winter
    And your nose gets frozen shut.

    Yes, the weather here is wonderful So I guess I'll hang around
    I could never leave Canada
    'cause I'm frozen to the ground!

    (Big sign with a moose.)
    (Penquins coming from a Tim Hortons.)
    (Polar Bears roasting a penquin.)
    This should be animated, if not, try clicking on it
    (A door open, blocked by snow, bottles stuck in snow to get cooled.)
    (Taxi sign with trees instead of the number threes.)
    695-t'ree t'ree t'ree t'ree (695-3333)
    (a plane on a runway.)
    (A moose in harness pulling logs.)
    (Girl in underwear skating on ice.)

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 11:
    * ORGANIZED CRIME *

    Courtesy of: Redsky. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    (Cartoon - boy talkign to father.)

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 12:
    * AN OLDER DATE *

    Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada

    A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.
    I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.
    She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne .
    I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
    "No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight either."
    I said " Would you care for dessert?"

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 13:
    * TRAINING YOUR DOG *

    Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada

    Sometimes, I just do not understand my wife.
    My neighbor was out training her dog!
    And guess what?

    (Lady pissing on a fire hydrant while dog watches.)

    I GOT YELLED AT FOR STARING!

    END

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    14:

    * AND, AS AN ADDED BONUS *

    Courtesy of: Barry

    This came in after I had completed this page.
    I just had to add it!
    SCROLL DOWN SLOWLY

    (Hot air ballon shaped like a fat lady's butt.)

    A tip of the `Hatlo Hat' to Barry!

    END

    Return To the Index

    15:

    * AND, AS AN, EXTR,A ADDED BONUS *

    Courtesy of: Ling K. Malaysia

    A Punjabi working in England wrote to his wife in India,
    Dearest Sunita
    "I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my company's performance, so I am sending you 100 kisses.
    You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
    Your loving husband,
    Tuna S."

    (A collage of red lips.)

    His wife replied,

    "Tinku ke Pappa,

    Thanks for the 100 kisses. Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
    1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
    2. The electricity man, Kooldip Singh, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
    3. Your landlord Kapal Singh comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of the monthly rent.
    4. Supermarket owner Jaswant Singh did not accept kisses only, so I gave him other items, I hope you understand..
    5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
    Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can survive the month using this balance.
    Shall I plan the same for the next month?

    Your Sweet Heart,
    Kichi?

    END

    Return To the Index

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