HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 12

A collection of PICTURES AND VIDEOS that friends have sent me.
Updated `11 May. 5

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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THIS BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: ANSWERS
  • 2: ZEN
  • 3: BELLS
  • 4: COLLECTION
  • 5: COUNT?
  • 6: BLACKBERRY
  • 7: DROPOUT
  • 8: LAWS
  • 9: SPRING
  • 10: CONSTITUTION
  • 11: ELECTIONS
  • 12: BALLOONIST
  • 13: YOUR WIFE

  • 1:
    * WOMEN HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    A girl smiling.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 2:
    * ZEN - FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    On the other hand, you have different fingers.
    I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
    42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
    I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
    Honk if you love peace & quiet.
    Remember, half the people you know are below average.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest.
    Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
    I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
    Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
    Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
    Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
    Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade.
    Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
    Always try to be modest - & be proud of it.
    If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
    What's the speed of dark?
    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
    If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
    If you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
    When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
    Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
    Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just do not have film.
    If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
    How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
    Eagles may soar but weasels do not get sucked into jet engines.
    What happens if you get scared half to death - twice?
    I used to have an open mind but my brains fell out.
    I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.
    Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
    Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
    If the world did not suck we would all fall off.
    Light travels faster than sound which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
    Next to a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog it is too dark to read.

    END

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  • 3:
    * JINGLE BELLS *

    A freeze frame from Ukulele spielen.
    Picture courtesy of cartoonland.de

    END

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  • 4:
    * A HUMOROUS COLLECTION *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    (Man digging tunnel.)
    (Vet checking dog.)
    (Street sign.)
    (DLady on tram.)
    (Signr.)
    (Kids covered in paoint.)
    (Sign on wharf.)
    (Sign on bvack of tank truck.)
    (Metal toilet paper.)
    (Sign on bvack of tank truck.)
    (Naked lady leaning on fence.)
    (Girl on sign below man.)

    (Boy whackign penis with hammer.)

    END

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  • 5:
    * DOES THIS GOAL COUNT? *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    A freeze frame from Ukulele spielen.
    Picture courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 6:
    * DEAR REVENUE CANADA *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2010 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
    Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Canadian Department of National Defence is paying $171.50 per hammer and Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for its icebreakers.
    As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
    Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the 'Help Stephen Harper Re-election Fund.
    Sincerely,
    A Cape Bretoner

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 7:
    * A ` WALK NAKED DAY ’ DROP OU. *

    Courtesy of: Elmer H. Enderby, B. C. Canada

    Naked girl draped over tree limb.
    Picture courtesy of National Geographic

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 8:
    * MORE MURPHY’S LAWS *

    Courtesy of: Redsky

  • After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
  • Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
  • The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
  • If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone answers.
  • If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
  • When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
  • The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
  • When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
  • As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
  • The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly prorportional to the cost of the carpet.
  • As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
  • If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 9:
    * COMPUTER SOFTWARE INSTALL – SPRING *

    Install delayed....please wait.
    Installation failed. Please try again.
    404 error: Season not found.
    Season "Spring" cannot be located.
    The season you are looking for might have been removed, had its name changed, or is temporarily unavailable.
    Please try again.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 10:
    * A DELIGHTFUL SHOPPING SPREE *

    Courtesy of: Redsky

    THE CONSTITUTION

    They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq....
    why don't we just give them ours?
    It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
    it has worked for over 200 years,
    and we're not using it anymore.

    -----------------------------------

    THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

    The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this --
    you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
    it creates a hostile work environment.

    -----------------------------------

    While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.
    It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
    'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
    'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    He's still in intensive care.

    -----------------------------------

    The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
    The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said,
    'Well......she's there.'

    END

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  • 11:
    * POLITICIANS AND ELECTIONS *

    Courtesy of: Nancy M.

    While walking down the street one day a `Member of Parliament’ is, tragically, hit by a truck and dies.
    His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    ”Welcome to heaven”, says St. Peter.
    ”Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”
    ’No problem, just let me in’, says the man.
    ”Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
    Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the MP.
    ”I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”
    And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
    They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly, & nice, guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
    The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it's time to visit heaven.”
    24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    ”Well, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
    The MP reflects for a minute, then answers, “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
    St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
    He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
    I don't understand,'” stammers the MP.
    ”Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
    Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
    What happened? “
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, '”Yesterday we were campaigning.....
    Today you voted”.

    END

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  • 12:
    * A LADY BALLOONIST *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
    She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
    She descended a bit more and shouted: Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am.."
    The man below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
    "You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.
    "I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"
    "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk."
    The man below responded, "You must be in Management."
    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
    "Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f**king fault."

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 13:
    * GOLFING WITH YOUR WIFE *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    A lady golfer.
    Picture courtesy of Inside The Cup

    END

    Return To the Index

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    MORE HUMOUR FROM BEAR'S READERS

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