HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 10

A collection of PICTURES AND VIDEOS that friends have sent me.
Updated `11 Jan. 3

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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THIS BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: MESSY
  • 2: D. W. I.
  • 3: WEATHER
  • 4: GENIES
  • 5: COMMON
  • 6: BLACKBERRY
  • 7: HOUSE
  • 8: HAIRCUT
  • 9: CLINIC
  • 10: SHOPPING
  • 11: DATING
  • 12: BLONDE REVIEW
  • 13: MAXINE

  • 1:
    * CREATIVE MINDS ARE RARELY TIDY *

    I've often used that that excuse to explain my desk/workspace.

    Courtesy of: Steve F.

    A man at a cluttered desk.
    ALBERT EINSTEIN

    A man at a cluttered desk.
    WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY

    A man at a cluttered desk.
    NAT HENTOFF

    President Obama at a bare, tidy desk.
    ? ? ? ? ?

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 2:
    * DRIVING WHILE ITALIAN *

    Courtesy of: Mark P. - Vancouver, B. C. Canada

    A close up of an Italian police car.
    Picture courtesy of Geoff Murray

    END

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  • 3:
    * WINTER WEATHER *

    Courtesy of: Dave K. Prince George, B. C. Canada

    Just heard from a friend in Southern Manitoba.
    He says it has been snowing heavily for three days now.
    His wife has done nothing but stare through the window.
    If it doesn't stop soon he’ll probably have to let her in.

    END

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  • 4:
    * WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES? *

    Courtesy of: Ba6755.

    A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
    He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
    Two blonde genies appear, they tell him he has been granted three wishes.
    The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
    The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
    After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
    He feels something soft under his feet, he looks down, the floor is covered in $100 bills.
    Then, there's a knock at the door.
    He answers it, standing there are two persons dressed in ku klux klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
    As the klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.
    One says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.

    But why he wanted to be hung like a black guy is beyond me.'

    END

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  • 5:
    * COMMON SENSE *

    Courtesy of: Carol P.

    Hope he is still alive in your world!
    An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and, sadly, rather true
    Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who had been with us for many years.
    No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
    - Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
    - Why the early bird gets the worm;
    - Life isn't always fair;
    - and Maybe it was my fault.

    Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
    His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.
    Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
    It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
    Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
    Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
    Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
    He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
    I Know My Rights
    I Want It Now
    Someone Else Is To Blame
    I'm A Victim
    Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

    If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 6:
    * MY BLACKBERRY ISN'T WORKING *

    Courtesy of: Victor C.

    A freeze frame from 2 Ronnies TV show.
    Picture courtesy of B.B.C.

    END

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  • 7:
    * NICE HOUSE *

    Courtesy of: Redsky.

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'
    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
    When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
    That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
    I be at work soon.........
    You got nice house.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 8:
    * THE HAIRCUT *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
    After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'
    The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
    Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
    The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop.
    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

    END

    Return To the Index

  • 9:
    * A BLONDE IN A MEDICAL CLINIC *

    Two people in a medical clinic.
    The studly male asks the shapely blonde why she is there.
    The girl replies, “I am going to give blood.”
    “They will pay me $10”.
    “Why are you here”, she asks?
    “I’m going to donate sperm”, he replies, “they pay me $75”.
    The next week the same two people are back at the same clinic.
    “Ahh, back again, I see. Going to donate more blood”, he asks?
    “Mmmpphhmmh’< the blonde replies, holding her lips tightly together as she shakes her head.

    END

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  • 10:
    * A DELIGHTFUL SHOPPING SPREE *

    Courtesy of: Tom W. - Cowichan Lake, B. C. Canada

    A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
    She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
    In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent, when her mobile phone rang.
    It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
    The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
    As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques...
    She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
    She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop.
    She was jubilant.
    Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
    She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
    The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
    Well, while you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
    It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be the last shopping trip you take for a very long time!
    He will now be in your care round the clock, 24/7 for the rest of his life. "
    The woman now felt so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
    The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg.
    He's dead.

    Show me what you bought."

    END

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  • 11:
    * DATING DAUGHTERS *

    Courtesy of: Barry.

    A close up of a photographer.
    SHOTGUN DAD

    Picture courtesy of kenrahn.com

    END

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  • 12:
    * A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW *

    Courtesy of: Mark K. Prince George B. C. Canada

  • January
    Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

  • February
    Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    Helllloooo!!!........bottles won't fit in printer!!!

  • March
    Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
    Box said ' 2-4 years!'

  • April
    Trapped on escalator for hours ....
    Power went out!!!

  • May
    Tried to make Kool Aid.....
    wrong instructions....
    8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

  • June
    Tried to go water skiing.......
    Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

  • July
    Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
    Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

  • August
    Got locked out of my car in rain storm......
    Car swamped because soft-top was open.

  • September
    The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

  • October
    Hate M & M's.....
    They are so hard to peel.

  • November
    Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ......
    Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

  • December
    Couldn't call 911.
    'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

    BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
    She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.
    A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.
    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'
    To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

    'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

    END

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  • 13:
    * MARVIN - THE MALE MAXINE *

    Courtesy of: Barry W.

    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)
    (Drunk in chair.)

    (Drunk in chair.)

    END

    Return To the Index

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