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HUMOUR in a PEA POD
Page 1

A collection of GOOFY SHORTS that friends have sent me. Updated `08 Oct. 31

SafeSurf Rated Adults Only

A BAKER'S DOZEN
The term `Bakers Dozen' originated when bakers would give a person an extra one if they bought twelve.

A FEW MORE (BAKER'S DOZENS OF HUMOUR) FROM BEAR'S READERS

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* * * * * * *

A BAKER'S DOZEN

  • 1: THAT ASSHOLE
  • 2: WHITE MAN
  • 3: ONE WRONG
  • 4: ENGLISH
  • 5: FINALLY
  • 6: OIL STORAGE
  • 7: THE WIFE
  • 8: DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH
  • 9: DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES
  • 10: POLICE
  • 11: SUPER DUPER COMPUTER STORE
  • 12: COMPUTER SCHOOL
  • 13: CHINA HONEYMOON

    * * * * * * *

    1: THAT ASSHOLE - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    Two men were driving through Calgary when they got pulled over by a CPS Constable. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him In the head with his nightstick.
    "What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
    "You're in Calgary, son," the Constable answered. "When we pull you over in Calgary, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."
    "I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
    The Constable runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The Constable then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.
    The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the Constable smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
    "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
    "Just making your wish come true," replied the Constable.
    "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
    "Because I know your type." the Constable says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me."
    In God, we trust. For everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them.

    END

    * * * * * * * *

    2: WHITE MAN - Courtesy of: REDSKY

    An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. government officials sent to interview him.
    "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
    The chief nodded in agreement.
    The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
    The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

    3: I SORT OF GOT ONE WRONG

    First Question: Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

    Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time.

    Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

    Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

    Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.

    Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

    You're not very good at this, are you?

    Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic!

    Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

    Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

    Did you get 5000 ?

    The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! The mistake we make is that we mentally total the smaller number to 1000 when they only total 100.

    Today is definitely not your day, is it?

    Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe.

    Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.

    What is the name of the fifth daughter?

    Did you Answer Nunu?

    NO!

    Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

    Okay, now the bonus round:

    A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

    Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

    He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple. I definitely failed this test! See how well you do!

    PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!

    All endings are beginnings, we just don't know it at the time.

    END

    * * * * * * * *

    4: 18 Reasons why English is hard to learn.

    In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
    1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
    2. The farm was used to produce produce.
    3. We must polish the Polish furniture.
    4. He could lead if he got the lead out.
    5. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
    6. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    7. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    8. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    9. I did not object to the object.
    10. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    11. The oarsman had a row about how to row.
    12. They were too close to the door to close it.
    13. A buck does funny things around the does.
    14. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    15. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
    16. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
    17. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    18. A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer.
    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
    PS. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

    END

    * * * * * * * * *

    5: FINALLY

    Thank goodness someone FINALLY figured out what it would take to get the war in Iraq, over with! The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit from Georgia, called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). These Georgia boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about the terrorists :
    1. The season opened today.
    2. There is no limit.
    3. They taste just like chicken.
    4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus, and
    5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
    The Pentagon expects the problems in Iraq to be over by Friday.

    END

    * * * * * * * *

    6: OIL STORAGE

    A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada ~~~
    Well, there's a very simple answer. ~~~
    Nobody bothered to check the oil. ~~~
    We just didn't know we were getting low . ~~~
    The reason for that is purely geographical. ~~~
    Our OIL is located in ~~~ Alberta ~~~ Newfoundland ~~~ Saskatchewan and B.C. ~~~ . . .
    Our DIPSTICKS are located in OTTAWA

    END

    * * * * * * * * * *

    7: THE WIFE

    A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
    The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
    As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
    The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
    And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
    "Only when he's been drinking."

    END

    * * * * * * * * * * *

    8: DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH

    Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man and a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

  • 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
  • 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
  • 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
  • 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
  • 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
  • 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?
  • 7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I am a dwarf, have scabs or have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
  • 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
  • 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
  • 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
  • 11. I know that if my sister is a virgin, I should have sex with her (Lev. 21:3), but do I require her consent? I'm so confused.
    I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

    END

    * * * * * * * *

    9: DO ELEPHANTS REALLY HAVE MEMORIES? AN INTERESTING STORY!

    In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
    He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
    The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
    Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
    Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
    Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
    Probably wasn't the same elephant.

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * * * * *

    10: HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DONT MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
    George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window
    George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
    George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up
    Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
    One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
    George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * * * *

    11: SUPER DUPER COMPUTER STORE

    Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    Abbot: Mac?
    Costello: No, the name's Lou.
    Abbot: Your computer?
    Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    Abbot: Mac?
    Costello: I told you, my name's Lou.
    Abbot: What about Windows?
    Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    Abbot: Do you want a computer with Windows?
    Costello: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
    Abbot: Wallpaper.
    Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
    Abbot: Software for Windows?
    Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
    Abbot: Office.
    Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
    Abbot: I just did.
    Costello: You just did what?
    Abbot: Recommend something.
    Costello: You recommended something?
    Abbot: Yes.
    Costello: For my office?
    Abbot: Yes.
    Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    Abbot: Office.
    Costello: Yes, for my office!
    Abbot: I recommend Office with Windows.
    Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
    Abbot: Word.
    Costello: What word?
    Abbot: Word in Office.
    Costello: The only word in office is office.
    Abbot: The Word in Office for Windows.
    Costello: Which word in office for windows?
    Abbot: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
    Costello: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
    Abbot: Yes, you want Real One.
    Costello: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
    Abbot: Real One.
    Costello: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
    Abbot: Of course.
    Costello: Great! With what?
    Abbot: Real One.
    Costello: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
    Abbot: You click the blue "1".
    Costello: I click the blue one what?
    Abbot: The blue "1".
    Costello: Is that different from the blue w?
    Abbot: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
    Costello: What word?
    Abbot: The Word in Office for Windows.
    Costello: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
    Abbot: No, just one. But it' s the most popular Word in the world.
    Costello: It is?
    Abbot: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
    Costello: And that word is real one?
    Abbot: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
    Costello: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
    Abbot: Money.
    Costello: That's right. What do you have?
    Abbot: Money.
    Costello: I need money to track my money?
    Abbot: It comes bundled with your computer.
    Costello: What's bundled with my computer?
    Abbot: Money.
    Costello: Money comes with my computer?
    Abbot: Yes. No extra charge.
    Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
    Abbot: One copy.
    Costello: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    Abbot: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
    Costello: They can give you a license to copy money?
    Abbot: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * * * * *

    12: COMPUTER SCHOOL
    computer literacy training

    Abbot: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    Costello: How do I turn my computer off?
    Abbot: Click on "START".
    Costello: I got myself a fancy new computer with Win98.
    Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
    Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
    Abbot: You will in time.
    Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
    Abbot: Oh?
    Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
    Abbot: Well, I don't know
    Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
    Abbot: Really?
    Costello: Uh-huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
    Abbot: OK, Lou. What do want to know?
    Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
    Abbot: That's true.
    Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?
    Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
    Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
    Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
    Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
    Abbot: I did.
    Costello: When?
    Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
    Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
    Abbot: To shut off the computer.
    Costello: I press Start to stop.
    Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
    Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
    Abbot: Start
    Costello: Start what?
    Abbot: Start button.
    Costello: Start button to do what?
    Abbot: Shut down.
    Costello: You don't have to get rude!
    Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
    Costello: Then say what you mean.
    Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
    Costello: Don't say, –Start!”
    Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
    Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button, even the Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
    Abbot: But that's what you do.
    Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
    Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
    Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversion.
    Abbot: What are you talking about?
    Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * * * * *

    13: CHINA HONEYMOON

    A man was celebrating his 50th wedding anniversary.
    A Reporter asked him what he did for his first anniversary.
    The man said, –I took my wife to China.”
    ”And what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?” The reporter asked.
    –I'm going to China and bring my wife home.”

    END

    Return To the Index

    * * * * * * *

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